Not sure where to post so if this is the wrong spot please either move it or tell where it needs to be thank you also sorry sort of long
In 2011 I was injured while working a Firefighter Paramedic. I was originally misdiagnosis do to having prior low back injury. So has been pretty rocky adventure. Also because I have a medical background I knew how to hide the things that made me super embarrassed to have like bladder and bowel incontinence I was scared because I didn't know what was going on and wanted to go back to work after my military career being ended do to an injury I was determined to go back but with my right leg not working I know now was the signed deal also the incontinence doesn't help. In 2013 I got a proper assessment before that I had 3 lumbar surgeries ACL MCL on my knee rehab for that but still had no feeling mid chest down they found out about being incontinent but other issues I hid I sort of had an idea. A friend told me to go see the va they have great sci care so I was seen at the VA SCI and that's where I was diagnosed but do to outside docs they wouldn't take over care. so I worked to have them removed I was forced to retire it all went to crap. I have gone through still go through deep dark depression. while moving stuff over VA got me my own chair, a ramp, hospital bed, paid for my diapers and the stuff needed for that properly, and bunch of other stuff. So here I am younger male SCI incomplete b & b incont requiring diapers which that is still learning curve, my left leg works some days and others just like the right just dead no use no feeling or sensation lost. if this wasn't a lot in 2014 I was referred to the SCI unit for care by 13 different doctors each time I was routed somewhere else because my injury wasn't service connected they wouldn't see me so already on edge I went off on the head of the SCI unit to point of using some terms that could be viewed as racism because he was middle eastern(being a Marine doesn't make it right but given where I had been but also know I have worked with many and know the difference) and I was angry at the world well that didn't help after that meeting they deleted my SCI out of active problem list but not the records themselves so I have to show new docs the proof I have a SCI which is a pita. But here is the kicker still having VA care I got a new chair new AFO and other braces. the biggest one that gets me is to retire I had to see 4 independent docs all of which signed off saying I had a SCI. Oh gets better in 2015 Got pneumonia again this time really bad [unable to lay flat unless intubated basically RSI'd do to extreme back pain to point I fight to get upright even if medically sedated so for CT's need to lay on side medicated and slightly elevated I can tolerate it somewhat] pulmonary said I had micro PE or clots in my lungs, at this VA 4th year residents are allowed to work as full doctors with no supervision unlike other hospitals 4th year has a senior attending doc over seeing them they refused to treat the clots also had issue with bradycardia low heart rate they overlooked the treatment bad enough I left ama well they knew I still had a doc I trusted at their hospital they were doing there residency at they accessed my records there falsified records and committed a HIPPA violation(they no longer work at either hospital) but because of this I wasn't treated at other hospital month goes by breath got worse went to civilian hospital diagnosed with a major PE and bradycardia unknown reason treated through Sept and issues with my heart rate got to a point I was passing out more often went back to hospital end up getting a pace maker do to my SCI triggering my Vagus nerves it solved the issue but this civilian hospital because I needed full nursing care for 8 weeks do to not being able to use my left arm in fear I would rip out electrodes from pacer to my heart they couldn't send me to a nursing home because of past medical history which includes TBI, SCI both excluded me from nursing home rehab so was transferred to the VA for rehab which after few weeks of false accusations( they were covering there buts because they missed my PE and didn't treat my low heart rate properly so tried to say it was all my fault and I caused self harm to get a pacer all lies they even stopped my blood thinners and pain meds) all of this my stress and depression kicked in I was well enough but also didn't care what happen to me I left the VA AMA. In Nov about month after all this I had to go to another VA for testing for my service related injuries well I been having chest pain and diff breathing for about 2 weeks after I left the VA but just didn't care bad enough I was taking numerous nebs just to breath so I show up to this appt. not being able to breath clinching my chest. I was sent to there ER I had another really bad PE but this time this VA being not related to other treatment was the best I ever got. While there I met with there SCI people they reviewed all records and saw what happen they offered to take over my SCI and going this week for the first evaluation I have had since originally being diagnosed.
know it long sorry
but issues I have is depression, anxiety, nightmares from my military ptsd, have contemplated SI but won't because my service dog keeps me alive, but here I am a young man 35 I can't do manly tasks I suffer from ED as well as the incontinence so not only have to wear use diapers I can't get erections what girl would ever love me I live alone in a death trap of a home on good days with breaks I can use crutches to get around on bad days my chair doesn't fit in home so I crawl. I can't use my shower because not accessible so sponge bath when I can with wipes. laundry I have a delivery service but other things its painful to rely on others for but there are things I need and know I do but mentally I can't like I know I need a PCA but mentally it is like given up or loosing what independences I have I know having that means no more pressure sores or lessens them and I won't have to drown myself in deodorant so I don't smell. I am so lost there are days I do want to end it all but my dog looks at me and I can't do that to him. I drink very heavily. I have thought of returning to work part time as a medic but that makes me so nervous because I am still anxious about being in public I was doing a half marathon on my handcycle at Disney and had a person that was with my group point out to me I was leaking want to talk about stress and anxiety try being soaking wet in the middle of epcot she helped me to there medical station and was able to change there but couldn't look at her or anyone for rest of weekend( I have since apologized and she said she understands she has been there for many vets and seen worse but she knew it would of been worse if others saw me and she even covered for me). I have many other issues and not sure what to do a friend told me I should go to a support group but even though I know there will be others like me there I am embarrassed to go. My problem is when I look in a mirror I don't see the guy that once was there I once was a badass Marine then Firefighter Paramedic also a bagpiper now I see a useless person I don't see a man because the things that define that don't work also things I deal with no one I know deals with it I can't ask for help because my friends don't deal with incont issues or other para life altering things
Up till my pain meds were stopped which I hope this SCI eval will help get them back but was sort of getting hang of adaptive sports. I have found it is easier to do military related sports I was golfing, handcycling, sailing but without meds the pain is to much even my activity level at home has been decreased and my health is at risk I currently have a presser sore seeing would care Thursday. just have times of deep dark depression I don't even want to go to that appt even though I been helped before undressing and exposing or having others see me diapered then having to see me naked yes they do it all the time but doesn't make it easier. it has been asked if I want to get a poop bag and pubic cath but because my immune system is crap surgeries are big risk.
In 2011 I was injured while working a Firefighter Paramedic. I was originally misdiagnosis do to having prior low back injury. So has been pretty rocky adventure. Also because I have a medical background I knew how to hide the things that made me super embarrassed to have like bladder and bowel incontinence I was scared because I didn't know what was going on and wanted to go back to work after my military career being ended do to an injury I was determined to go back but with my right leg not working I know now was the signed deal also the incontinence doesn't help. In 2013 I got a proper assessment before that I had 3 lumbar surgeries ACL MCL on my knee rehab for that but still had no feeling mid chest down they found out about being incontinent but other issues I hid I sort of had an idea. A friend told me to go see the va they have great sci care so I was seen at the VA SCI and that's where I was diagnosed but do to outside docs they wouldn't take over care. so I worked to have them removed I was forced to retire it all went to crap. I have gone through still go through deep dark depression. while moving stuff over VA got me my own chair, a ramp, hospital bed, paid for my diapers and the stuff needed for that properly, and bunch of other stuff. So here I am younger male SCI incomplete b & b incont requiring diapers which that is still learning curve, my left leg works some days and others just like the right just dead no use no feeling or sensation lost. if this wasn't a lot in 2014 I was referred to the SCI unit for care by 13 different doctors each time I was routed somewhere else because my injury wasn't service connected they wouldn't see me so already on edge I went off on the head of the SCI unit to point of using some terms that could be viewed as racism because he was middle eastern(being a Marine doesn't make it right but given where I had been but also know I have worked with many and know the difference) and I was angry at the world well that didn't help after that meeting they deleted my SCI out of active problem list but not the records themselves so I have to show new docs the proof I have a SCI which is a pita. But here is the kicker still having VA care I got a new chair new AFO and other braces. the biggest one that gets me is to retire I had to see 4 independent docs all of which signed off saying I had a SCI. Oh gets better in 2015 Got pneumonia again this time really bad [unable to lay flat unless intubated basically RSI'd do to extreme back pain to point I fight to get upright even if medically sedated so for CT's need to lay on side medicated and slightly elevated I can tolerate it somewhat] pulmonary said I had micro PE or clots in my lungs, at this VA 4th year residents are allowed to work as full doctors with no supervision unlike other hospitals 4th year has a senior attending doc over seeing them they refused to treat the clots also had issue with bradycardia low heart rate they overlooked the treatment bad enough I left ama well they knew I still had a doc I trusted at their hospital they were doing there residency at they accessed my records there falsified records and committed a HIPPA violation(they no longer work at either hospital) but because of this I wasn't treated at other hospital month goes by breath got worse went to civilian hospital diagnosed with a major PE and bradycardia unknown reason treated through Sept and issues with my heart rate got to a point I was passing out more often went back to hospital end up getting a pace maker do to my SCI triggering my Vagus nerves it solved the issue but this civilian hospital because I needed full nursing care for 8 weeks do to not being able to use my left arm in fear I would rip out electrodes from pacer to my heart they couldn't send me to a nursing home because of past medical history which includes TBI, SCI both excluded me from nursing home rehab so was transferred to the VA for rehab which after few weeks of false accusations( they were covering there buts because they missed my PE and didn't treat my low heart rate properly so tried to say it was all my fault and I caused self harm to get a pacer all lies they even stopped my blood thinners and pain meds) all of this my stress and depression kicked in I was well enough but also didn't care what happen to me I left the VA AMA. In Nov about month after all this I had to go to another VA for testing for my service related injuries well I been having chest pain and diff breathing for about 2 weeks after I left the VA but just didn't care bad enough I was taking numerous nebs just to breath so I show up to this appt. not being able to breath clinching my chest. I was sent to there ER I had another really bad PE but this time this VA being not related to other treatment was the best I ever got. While there I met with there SCI people they reviewed all records and saw what happen they offered to take over my SCI and going this week for the first evaluation I have had since originally being diagnosed.
know it long sorry
but issues I have is depression, anxiety, nightmares from my military ptsd, have contemplated SI but won't because my service dog keeps me alive, but here I am a young man 35 I can't do manly tasks I suffer from ED as well as the incontinence so not only have to wear use diapers I can't get erections what girl would ever love me I live alone in a death trap of a home on good days with breaks I can use crutches to get around on bad days my chair doesn't fit in home so I crawl. I can't use my shower because not accessible so sponge bath when I can with wipes. laundry I have a delivery service but other things its painful to rely on others for but there are things I need and know I do but mentally I can't like I know I need a PCA but mentally it is like given up or loosing what independences I have I know having that means no more pressure sores or lessens them and I won't have to drown myself in deodorant so I don't smell. I am so lost there are days I do want to end it all but my dog looks at me and I can't do that to him. I drink very heavily. I have thought of returning to work part time as a medic but that makes me so nervous because I am still anxious about being in public I was doing a half marathon on my handcycle at Disney and had a person that was with my group point out to me I was leaking want to talk about stress and anxiety try being soaking wet in the middle of epcot she helped me to there medical station and was able to change there but couldn't look at her or anyone for rest of weekend( I have since apologized and she said she understands she has been there for many vets and seen worse but she knew it would of been worse if others saw me and she even covered for me). I have many other issues and not sure what to do a friend told me I should go to a support group but even though I know there will be others like me there I am embarrassed to go. My problem is when I look in a mirror I don't see the guy that once was there I once was a badass Marine then Firefighter Paramedic also a bagpiper now I see a useless person I don't see a man because the things that define that don't work also things I deal with no one I know deals with it I can't ask for help because my friends don't deal with incont issues or other para life altering things
Up till my pain meds were stopped which I hope this SCI eval will help get them back but was sort of getting hang of adaptive sports. I have found it is easier to do military related sports I was golfing, handcycling, sailing but without meds the pain is to much even my activity level at home has been decreased and my health is at risk I currently have a presser sore seeing would care Thursday. just have times of deep dark depression I don't even want to go to that appt even though I been helped before undressing and exposing or having others see me diapered then having to see me naked yes they do it all the time but doesn't make it easier. it has been asked if I want to get a poop bag and pubic cath but because my immune system is crap surgeries are big risk.
T7-T12 incomplete, lumbar w/o fracture, ces
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